Discerning Partner

Single life – when to start Courtship

We strongly believe and have seen that the strongest and happiest marriages are those in which both man and woman embraced the gift of singleness before getting married. We often never accept this gift of singleness because we are anxiously waiting for the gift of marriage, or we are exhausting them working to maintain relationships without a future.

11 Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. St. Paul Fil. 4:11

If a person does not learn to be happy now, then when she is married, she may want to still be single. After all, marriage doesn’t change you inwardly, you’re still the same person.

Also, if a woman is from the heart happy and content with her life, she is more attractive. In fact, the ideal wife of the one who speaks in

25 Strength and beauty are her clothing, and she shall laugh in the latter-day. Prov 31:25.

She waits for the future with joy and hope, trusting in God’s goodness. Before we can be happily married, we must learn the art of being happily single. In this way, our happiness does not depend on what happens outside of us but arises from inner happiness. In the words of Saint Theresa of Lisieux “The happier you are to be according to His will, the more perfect you will be”.

Where to find potential?

Moderation, the more you try to find, the less and worse you will get, be patient, don’t get over-attached and just be open to know new people, of course when you go to these places, your first focus should be on God if it’s not, faithful women will evade you and you end up with a lukewarm or relaxed catholic girl.

There are several places where you can find:

  • Traditional parishes, groups, and traditionalist events.
  • Pilgrimages such as Chartres, Fatima, or similar.
  • Events and pro-life groups, Public Rosary.
  • Cultural associations linked to religious or patriotic themes.
  • Adoration, holy hours, etc..
  • Conservative groups and parishes, formation groups.
  • University clubs.
  • Volunteering.
  • Internet. (better if it’s not a dating app but catholic groups focused on God)

If you live in places where the environment is too liberal, you will have to move more and in more groups, so you can have more possibilities. However, It is always there to persevere in prayer to find that ideal partner. Ask God and he will provide if it’s his will.

Who?

We must focus on seeking virtue in people, not only in the most active, attractive and attention-grabbing, in all, first, we see if objectively are virtuous people without any attachment to them, we have made a list of virtues for each:

  • Husband material list
  • Wife material list

Husband material list

What women need to find in a good man (besides the obvious that they are not weak degenerates without personality, etc.):

  1. A Catholic, interested in spiritual growth and tradition, in order to avoid modernists and liberals.
  2. Family: Responsible, considers the family before himself, in order to avoid shameless and lazy people.
  3. With Moderation and Fidelity, to avoid lustful people.
  4. Mentality and Aptitude: Disciplined, having both a desire to excel, and the desire to defend his family; this will avoid cucks and weaklings.
  5. Economy: not necessarily rich, for those who are not rich can have families, but a man who has the intention and potential to maintain a family soon, from 1 to 2 years, to avoid unmarried relationships that are too long.

This list is the minimum since women today demand more than what is available, which can lead to mistakes; this serves to moderate that impulse.

In the end, since women have a passive, indirect role for looking for a man, they should be careful about the places they frequent, focusing on environments where they can find boys who have the traits described above, and, in addition, they have to take care of being good women, because it will be the man who will look for them in the end.

Essentially a good woman has to accept a compatible man who can sacrifice for his family, for her to find a leader to follow if the woman’s father is apt and decent. He should give him the go-ahead first.

Wife material list

What men need to find a wife-material, how to filter their search (besides the obvious that they are not unmodest, degenerate, feminists, etc.):

  1. Does she have a good relationship with her father? If she has a good father, this will avoid so many problems with her.
  2. Devout Catholic, interested in spiritual growth and tradition, in order to avoid modernists, liberals, and fake trads.
  3. Does she put family over her career? Or better, is she the only one working because it’s necessary, and how many kids does she want? This avoids any kind of feminism.
  4. Is she interested in learning stuff from you? Does she with you as an example and a role model? Does she give you good feedback, ask your opinion on some topic, are you both on the same page? This will avoid those who won’t follow you as the head but fight you every time.
  5. How is she involved with the world, does she rather the countryside or the city, how involved is she with series, films, travel, etc..? what’s her opinion on the modern world? How often she buys her clothes? Who are her close friends? These help to avoid those who are too materialistic and worldly.
  6. Is she more religious than political? She should only know the basics, so you avoid those who are more focused on politics than family.

This list offers general guidelines: it’s not ultimately necessary to fulfill all of them if the woman meets most demands and/or those she doesn’t are grave matters, she can become full wife material eventually, if you are a real man.

Yes, the man has an active role in finding the woman, but we should be careful with this duty: you should first focus on becoming a real man because it’s the right thing to do (not just because of women). While you are socially active enough, attend events, or seek environments where you will find and meet girls close to this list. Do not fall into the trap of chasing women or being desperate: it’s not worth it and there will definitely be a better woman out there. Eventually, you will find a girl who will be interested in you and will make things pretty simple.

Essentially, what we have to look for in a woman is a compatible girl, with chemistry, who can follow and obeys us as the head of the family, while we sacrifice ourselves for the family.

How – Stages of Catholic Courtship.

Obviously, go to those places not only to hook up but first to get closer to God, to improve yourself, the same can be said online, go to groups where you learn and improve yourself, to be closer to God, not places where it is a matter of “meeting single Catholics”. There are two things to understand:

  • A) You’re not so special, you don’t have such a high “value”, as if you think you.
  • B) If you want to have an exceptional partner, it’s up to you to become even more exceptional.

Friendship Stage

This stage is essential for a good foundation for a relationship. In this stage, you are primarily looking to see if:

  1. You have things in common and both are virtuous enough.
  2. There is some physical attraction, chemistry.
  3. If he can take care of his marital obligations, to protect and provide.
  4. At first in the company of others.

It should last no more than 1-2 months. Neither waits too long, neither go too fast, who jump fast on relationships, they base on their feelings and dreams more than what the person is in reality.

Virtue and Common life

Is this person virtuous enough to help me get to heaven? One definitive rule is you don’t date to save, if you want to help that person, do it as a friend.

The order of steps, it’s important. During this stage, you need to be completely detached in order to have clarity of judgment to determine whether he/she has virtue with no to little intimacy.

because our attachments affect our clear judgment, you’re trying to determine whether this person has sufficient virtue to go to the next step also not being attached to her will make you needy, which is obviously bad, you should be relaxed.

Now people usually get attached first, feelings cloud their judgment, so they do not judge correctly and end up with non-virtuous people. That is a big mistake that is very common.

Regardless of how handsome or talented he may be or of how much money he has, if he has no virtue, you will be absolutely miserable in the marriage and will pay for it for the rest of your life.

Those relationships which start without this phase, out of lack of things in common and virtue, will turn to fill the void with intimacy making it dangerous and fragile as soon problems arise.

why It’s better to generally spend time with each other within a group setting or in the company of others? because when each other are interested they will behave differently than they with other people, so you experience how they are in public, not their dating image. Also you will get your friend’s viewpoint of them

Chemistry.

After you both realize you have sufficient virtue, then can you ask, do I have sufficient chemistry? compatibility, interest, good communication, long, etc… which would be obviously important for marital life, so have at least some.

Means to provide and protect?

The woman has to look to see if he can’t fulfill his obligations of marriage or if he in a position or would he be soon to financially support.

This is especially important for those who are too young to provide for their families, such as those who are in college. Besides the economical point, when we are younger, we have a hard time trying to get a hold of our feelings, so to date, its way easier to fall into the emotional attachment with a girl before verifying she is someone of virtue, thus easier to end up with a bad girl and a ball of bad decision and sins harder to break.

On other hand, this is not an excuse for those who can afford to support a family but their unrealistic expectations of stability or material goods, led them to wait too many years to marry, which is both dangerous.

The end of this stage

This stage should last around 1 to 2 months. Once you two have determined that you intend to court, the man should approach the father or the male lead of the home to ask permission to court you.

If the father is not as traditional, virtuous enough or it’s not possible, that can be skipped out of prudence, but meet him as soon as possible after starting courting her daughter.

General Tips

>One should be more specific on the faith-related questions, especially in mortification, as the mount of calvary is the mount of the lovers. Lukewarmness can be really subtle, even with apparently faithful people.

>There will be always differences in the fervor and faith between the two, the thing one should look for is that you both keep a good rhythm while praying together and with catholic formation, while the one with higher faith to lead and increase the other with prudence, to not overwhelm the other.

Beware of the expectations and understanding of what a relationship should be that the other person has, our world has destroyed the concept of dating and love, and even if both have holy intentions this can lead to many problems. This is important if they or you had no prior holy and catholic relationship and crucial if they had a poor relationship in the past, even if they repented from that.

One thing is to have in mind is to get to know what kind of relationship the other has in mind, in this degenerate age, many people, specially girls, have this very sentimental way to see relationships, that is the recipe for disaster as that feelings come and go, makes a relationship very unstable, also that makes the relationship move around her, that pride is in the end poison.

Bibliography and reading list

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